Blonde Facts

What did the blond say when she opened up a box of Cherios?
Oh look, little donut seeds.

How many blonds did it take to change the lightbulb?
5, one to hold the lightbulb, 4 to turn the room around.

Doctor (using a stethoscope): "Big breaths."
Blond: Yeth. And I'm not even thickteen yet

Blond #1: "Have you ever read Shakespeare?"
Blond #2: "No, who wrote it?"

What do you call a blond with a high IQ?
A golden retriever.

Newiest Blondie Designs

Left handed pencil
Clear correction fluid
Black highlighter
Waterproof tea bags
Braille driving manual
Dehydrated water
Screen door on a submarine
Helicopter ejection seat
Air conditioning for motorcycle
Wooden barbecue
Glow-in-the-dark sun dial
Gasoline fire extinguisher
Battery-powered battery charger
Fake rhinestones
Fireproof matches
Glow-in-the-dark sunglasses
Mesh umbrella
Solar-powered flashlight

he's sweet

A husband and wife are getting ready for bed. The wife is standing in front of a full length mirror taking a hard look at herself.
"You know love," she says. "I look in the mirror and I see an old woman. My face is all wrinkled, my boobs are barely above my waist, my bum is hanging out a mile. I've got fat legs and my arms are all flabby. Tell me something positive to make me feel better about myself."
He thinks about it for a bit and then says, "Well......there's nothing wrong with your eyesight".

He's clean

There was a little boy whose mother was about to have a baby. One day, the little boy walked in and saw his mother naked. He asked his mother what the hair between her legs was.

She responded, "It's my wash cloth."

Weeks later, after the mother had her baby, the young boy walked in on his mother again. While she was in the hospital the doctor had shaved her pubic hair.

The boy asked, "What happened to your wash cloth?"

The mother responded, "I lost it."

The little boy, trying to be helpful, set out to find his mother's washcloth.

A few days later, he ran to his mother yelling and screaming, "I found your washcloth."

The mother, thinking that the child was just playing, went along with the boy and asked, "Where did you find it?"

The boy answered, "The maid has it! She is washing Daddy's face with it."
To bad for him, hes going to die, BUT at least hes clean
Hey shed to still be alive if she only cleaned the mother first.

Gods future

Three men were standing in line to get into heaven...

It had been a pretty busy day, though, so St Peter had to tell the first one: "Heaven's getting pretty close to full today, and I've been asked to admit only people who have had particularly horrible deaths. So what's your story?"

The first man replies: "Well, for a while I've suspected my wife has been cheating on me, so today I came home early to try to catch her red-handed. As I came into my 25th floor apartment, I could tell something was wrong, but all my searching around didn't reveal where this other guy could have been hiding. Finally, I went out to the balcony and, sure enough, there was this man hanging off the railing, 25 floors above ground! By now I was really mad, so I started punching and kicking him, but wouldn't you know it, he wouldn't fall off. So finally I went back into my apartment and got a hammer and starting hammering his fingers. Of course, he couldn't stand that for long, so he let go and fell - but even after 25 stories, he fell into the bushes, stunned but okay! I couldn't stand it anymore, so I ran into the kitchen, grabbed the fridge, and threw it over the edge where it landed on him, killing him instantly. But all the stress and anger got to me, and I had a heart attack and died there on the balcony."

"That sounds like a pretty bad day to me," said Peter, and let the man in.

The second man comes up and Peter explain

"It's been a very strange day. You see, I live on the 26th floor of my apartment building, and every morning I do my exercises out on my balcony. Well, this morning I must have slipped or something, because I fell over the edge. But I got lucky and caught the railing of the balcony on the floor below me. I knew I couldn't hang on for very long, when suddenly this man burst out onto the balcony. I thought for sure I was saved, when he started punching and kicking me. I held on the best I could until he ran into the apartment and grabbed a hammer and started pounding on my hands. Finally I just let go, but again I got lucky and fell into the bushes below, stunned but all right. Just when I was thinking I was going to be okay, this refrigerator comes falling out of the sky and crushes me instantly, and now I'm here."

Once again, Peter had to concede that that sounded like a pretty horrible death.

The third man came to the front of the line, and again the whole process was repeated. Peter explained that heaven was full and asked for his story.

"Picture this," says the third man, "I'm hiding naked inside a refrigerator..."

s to him about heaven being full, and again asks for his story.

Ackward

A man decides to have a face-lift for his birthday. He spends £5,000 and feels really good about the results. On his way home, he stops at a news-stand and buys a paper.

Before leaving, he says to the news-stand guy, "I hope you don't mind me asking, but how old do you think I am?"

"About 35, guv" was the reply.

"I'm actually 47," the man says, feeling really happy.

After that, he goes into McDonalds for lunch and asks the clerk the same question.

The reply is, "Oh, you look about 29, sir".

"I am actually 47! 47! Ha!"

Later, while standing at a bus stop, he asks an old woman the same question.

She replies, "I am 85 years old, and my eyesight is going. But when I was young, there was a sure way of telling a man's age. If I put my hand down your pants and play with your balls for 10 minutes, I will be able to tell you your exact age."

As there was no one around, the man thinks, 'What the hell' and lets her slip her hand down his pants.

Ten minutes later, the old lady says, "Okay, it's done. You are 47."

Stunned, the man says, "That was brilliant. How did you do that?"

The old lady replies, "I was behind you at McDonalds."

I like politics

A little boy goes to see his Dad and asks, "Dad, What is politics?"

His Dad says: "Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me Capitalism. Your Mum, she's the administrator of the money, so we'll call her the Government. We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you The People. The nanny, we'll consider her the Working Class. And your baby brother, we'll call him the Future. Now, think about that and see if that makes sense."

So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad had said.

Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him.

He finds that the baby has severely soiled his nappy. So the little boy goes to his parents' room and finds his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed.

The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now."

The father says, "Good son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about."

The little boy replies, "Well, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, the Government is sound asleep, the People are being ignored and the Future is in deep shit."

It's true

The dad walks into his suns room and says, "hey son if you don't stop masturbating your going to go blind". the sun looked to him and said," hey dad, I'm over here".

Shouldn't of even tried

Three women are about to be executed. One's a brunette, one's a redhead and one's a blonde.

The guard brings the brunette forward and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She says no and the executioner shouts, "Ready! Aim!''

Suddenly the brunette yells, ''EARTHQUAKE!!!''

Everyone is startled and throws themselves on the ground while she escapes.

The guard brings the redhead forward and the executioner asks if she has any last requests.

She say no and the executioner shouts, ''Ready! Aim!''

Suddenly the redhead yells, ''TORNADO!!!''

Everyone is startled and looks around for cover while she escapes.

By now the blonde has it all figured out. The guard brings her forward and the executioner asks if she has any last requests.

She says no and the executioner shouts, "Ready! Aim!'' and the blonde yells, ''FIRE!!!'''

Vanilla flavored

Two thieves break into a bank in the middle of the night and open a safe. There is only some yogurt, but no money. They taste the yogurt. It's tainted.

The men open the next safe. There is some yogurt too, it tastes much better but again - no money.

The thieves take on another safe. And there's yogurt again.

"John, why don't you go outside and look if it is indeed a bank!" says one to the other, and sits down to eat the yogurt which tastes really fresh and nutritious this time.

A couple of minutes later in comes John.

"It is definitely a bank!"

"What exactly did the sign say?"

"The Sperm Bank of Ohio!""

this is true

When I was born, I'm black.
When I grow up, I'm black.
When I go out in the sun, I'm black.
When I'm cold, I'm black.
When I'm scared, I'm black.
When I'm sick, I'm black.
And when I die, I'm still black.

You white folks…
When you're born, you're pink.
When you grow up, you're white.
When you go out in the sun, you're red.
When you're cold, you're blue.
When you're scared, you're yellow.
When you're sick, you're green.
When you bruise, you go purple.
And when you die, you go grey.

So who you callin' coloured?

true love

On Valentine's day, some entries for a competition to find a couplet with the most romantic first line and most unromantic second line: (13)

I thought that I could love no other
Until, that is, I met your brother
I want to feel your sweet embrace
But don't take that paper bag off of your face
My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife:
Marrying you screwed up my life
My love, you take my breath away
What have you stepped in to smell this way?
I see your face when I am dreaming
That's why I always wake up screaming.

blonde copper

A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little red sports car and was pulled over by a woman police officer that was also a blonde.

The cop asked to see the blonde's driver's license. She dug through her purse and was getting progressively more agitated. "What does it look like?" she finally asked.

The policewoman replied, "It's square and it has your picture on it."

The driver finally found a square mirror, looked at it and handed it to the policewoman. "Here it is," she said.

The blonde officer looked at the mirror, then handed it back saying, "Okay, you can go. I didn't realise you were a cop."

gods gift

A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: “That's the ugliest baby that I've ever seen. Ugh!”

The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: “The driver just insulted me!”

The man says: “You go right up there and tell him off – go ahead, I'll hold your monkey for you.”

Light headed blonde

A blonde was swerving all over the road and driving really badly, so she got pulled over by a cop.

The cop walked up to her window and asked, "Lady, why are you driving so recklessly?"

The blonde said, "I'm sorry sir, but wherever I go, there's always a tree in front of me and I can't seem to get away from it!"

The cop looked at her and said, "Lady, it's your air freshener!"

A smart blonde

One day a blonde, a brunette, and a redhead snuck into a farm.
The farmer said to his wife, "I think I hear something outside."
The girls heard the door open,and they all ran in different directions.
The brunette ran into the cow pen. The redhead ran into the pig pen, and the blonde ran into the potato patch.
The farmer went to the cow pen and said,"Is there anyone there?" The brunette said,"Mmmmmmmoooooo."
Then he went over to the pig pen and the farmer said, "Is there anyone there?" and the redhead said, "Oink oink."
Then he went over to the potato patch and said, "Is there anyone there?" and the blonde said, "Potatooooo."

lieing blonde

A blonde is sitting at home one day when she decides she's sick of hearing blonde jokes. She decides to dye her hair brown, and, to see if it works in making her more intelligent, goes to a farm where she approaches the farmer with the challenge, "If I can guess how many sheep you have, can I take one home?" The farmer chuckles to himself, before replying, "Sure, why not?"

The blonde pulls out a calculator and does a bunch of hugely complicated equations and comes up with a number. She says to the farmer, "There are 314 sheep out there." The farmer is astonished. "You're right!" he says. "Go take your pick".

The blonde takes a few minutes to pick a sheep, waves to the farmer, and leaves.

She's sitting at home the next day when she hears a knock on her front door. She opens it and finds the farmer standing there holding his hat. He says to her, "If I can guess your real hair colour, can I have my dog back?"